Nonviolent Communication and Conflict Management

I tend to use violent-communication tactics when it comes to my husband. We have been conflicting for two-and-a-half years now over the fact that he does not work. I work two jobs and go to school and it infuriates me when I come home and find him in the same place he was when I left. He sits around and plays videogames all day and all night. He only takes a break to eat and sleep! It has put a huge strain on our relationship and it has become increasingly hard not to use violence in my communication methods. There are some days that I come home and just start yelling at him for being lazy. I have resorted to name calling and everything in between. I am not proud of my behavior and know that I should try another method of communication. This website: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts has been very beneficial to me for this particular situation with my husband. To quote the website:

 "NVC offers practical, concrete skills for manifesting the purpose of creating connections of compassionate giving and receiving based in a consciousness of interdependence and power with others. These skills include:

1. Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;

2. Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;

3. Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and

4. Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving)."

I think that these tactics have been a huge help. I have even asked my husband if he has seen a change in me and he whole-heartedly agrees. Just this past week he went to a job interview and said he was motivated from my kindness rather than my aggression. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed that I take all of my stress out on him. Yes, he is in the wrong but no, he does not deserve to be treated in such an awful way. Non-violent communication tactics work much better and you feel better about yourself for using them. I highly recommend any and everyone to re-evaluate their communication style and make the necessary changes.